My Addictions

Last night I was at #Tweetgasm with some pretty awesome people mingling and seeing new and familiar faces and lamenting the results of the municipal election.  And in the midst of it all I was asked about my Twitter bio which reads like this “I’m a guy with a job, apartment, addictions and a blog… welcome to my world”.  Specifically I was asked about my addictions by Rayanne (@rlangdon) and wasn’t able to come up with an answer that satisfied her or me or anyone around us at the time.  But then I started thinking about it a little bit and fired off a tweet to try to answer the question.

It’s a quick answer without much detail.  But what do you really expect when I’m confined to 140 characters.

Some of the examples in my tweet are rather self explanatory.  I’ve been smoking for a long time.  There have been 3 significant and somewhat successful attempts to quit.  Somewhat successful of course because I’m still a smoker now.  I’ve come back to the habit because of stress and a weak will and boredom and a million other reasons and rationalizations.  It’s an addiction.  It’s one of my addictions.

I would like to quit for good some day.  I would like to walk away because I want to.  I want to be in control of that process.  I just don’t know when it will happen.  It’s nothing that I’m prepared for at the moment.  It’s not part of Mission: New Joshua.  It has been scheduled as a future date To Be Determined.

Writing is on the list.  I love to write.  I used to write more than I do now.  At one point there was a novel that I was working on a lot.  In fact, there’s a lot of it online here – smalltownsenior.wordpress.com and there was a lot of lyrics and poetry and random scribble all over notebooks and napkins and scrap pieces of paper.

Sometimes the urge still hits.  The other night I wrote 3 lines on the back of a karaoke slip for no reason other than the first line came to me and I decided to try and build on it.  It wasn’t special, wasn’t very good and I have very little idea where that first line came from.  The slip was left on the table when the bar closed and we walked away.  Odds are that it made its way to the garbage without more than 2 sets of eyes having paid any attention to it.

I get urges to write and post here.  Some of the things that I write never make it here because I’m convinced that none of you have the time of inclination to read my random rambling.

But most of all, writing is the form of communication that I feel most comfortable with.  I’m not worried about my face exposing random glimpses into my thoughts.  I’m not scared that my eyes will turn on me and tell secrets that aren’t meant to be told.  I can just put my fingers on the keyboard and tell the story that I want to tell.  It’s safer, more comfortable and has been a part of my life for a long time.

Soon after I posted my tweet I was asked about it by a friend.  The question revolved around feeling as an addiction.  I know that it doesn’t seem like a typical addiction, the kind that celebrities are blasted for in the media and go to sponsored rehab facilities to work through.  It’s still there though.

There’s not a particular feeling that I’m addicted to.  There are certainly feelings that are more enjoyable than others.  Joy, love and feeling appreciated are pretty fucking awesome.  Sometimes though it can be the feelings of loss or sadness or remorse that make me realize that this life is real.  That what I’m doing day to day isn’t just a story that someone is writing and I’m being directed through.

The need to feel something.  The desire to have my mind rattle through “what ifs” and “why nots” and “this is awesome” and “I want more” keeps me feeling alive.  It reminds me that I’m human.  That I’m vulnerable and strong in the same body.  That’s why feeling is an addiction.

Side note: Johnny Cash’s cover of Hurt is playing in my headphones as I write this paragraph.

The 2nd to last on the list that I tweeted is the “search for meaning” – I know that for me it’s an ongoing journey that will never end.  It can be tedious and ridiculous and breakdown inducing.  But what is my life supposed to be without it?  If I’m not looking for a reason to take the next step or to step back and evaluate what’s going on in my life and how it all fits and how it’s all going to come together and change the outcome what’s the point?

I want to know what my actions are going to cause.  I’ve done a lot of things in my life, we all have.  Some of them I’m very proud of.  Some of them I regret and am ashamed and sorry for.  But it’s the meaning in what I’ve done, how I’ve handled them and what I’ve learned from them that will lead me forward in my life.

That search will be my lifelong mission.  I have no doubt about that at all.

The other two on my list were sports and Twitter… if you follow me, read this blog or know me in real life you’re already aware of those ones.  I don’t need to explain them to you.

So, there you have it… some of the things that I consider to be my current addictions.  There have been and will be others.  And there are others now.  Ask me about them and I’ll be happy to tell you all about them.

And now that I’ve told you all about my vices – what are yours?  Lemme know – let’s make this bad boy interactive.

I’m excited for your answers.

creator of content, manager of community, writer, tweeter, coffee drinker. sports, comics, movies, food, music & pop culture geek. Proud MoBro.

3 comments on My Addictions

  1. Addictions/vices? Well, let’s see…

    There’s Twitter, but that almost goes without saying. Carbohydrates – my great nemesis. Singing – having got back to it in a big way over the last year, I’m hooked again.

    I worry sometimes that I might be addicted to debt. I’m hoping that it’s just a reality of life as it currently stands, and that I’ll leave it behind when times improve.

    And not to be a sap, or anything, but I’m hopelessly addicted to my fiancee. That’s one that I have no intention of trying to kick, though.

    1. Joshua says:

      I totally feel you on the singing sir – When I was in Ottawa we were at the bar for karaoke no fewer than 4 nights a week – The rush is great – The music is fantastic – And singing just makes me smile.

Comments are closed.

My Addictions

Last night I was at #Tweetgasm with some pretty awesome people mingling and seeing new and familiar faces and lamenting the results of the municipal election.  And in the midst of it all I was asked about my Twitter bio which reads like this “I’m a guy with a job, apartment, addictions and a blog… welcome to my world”.  Specifically I was asked about my addictions by Rayanne (@rlangdon) and wasn’t able to come up with an answer that satisfied her or me or anyone around us at the time.  But then I started thinking about it a little bit and fired off a tweet to try to answer the question.

It’s a quick answer without much detail.  But what do you really expect when I’m confined to 140 characters.

Some of the examples in my tweet are rather self explanatory.  I’ve been smoking for a long time.  There have been 3 significant and somewhat successful attempts to quit.  Somewhat successful of course because I’m still a smoker now.  I’ve come back to the habit because of stress and a weak will and boredom and a million other reasons and rationalizations.  It’s an addiction.  It’s one of my addictions.

I would like to quit for good some day.  I would like to walk away because I want to.  I want to be in control of that process.  I just don’t know when it will happen.  It’s nothing that I’m prepared for at the moment.  It’s not part of Mission: New Joshua.  It has been scheduled as a future date To Be Determined.

Writing is on the list.  I love to write.  I used to write more than I do now.  At one point there was a novel that I was working on a lot.  In fact, there’s a lot of it online here – smalltownsenior.wordpress.com and there was a lot of lyrics and poetry and random scribble all over notebooks and napkins and scrap pieces of paper.

Sometimes the urge still hits.  The other night I wrote 3 lines on the back of a karaoke slip for no reason other than the first line came to me and I decided to try and build on it.  It wasn’t special, wasn’t very good and I have very little idea where that first line came from.  The slip was left on the table when the bar closed and we walked away.  Odds are that it made its way to the garbage without more than 2 sets of eyes having paid any attention to it.

I get urges to write and post here.  Some of the things that I write never make it here because I’m convinced that none of you have the time of inclination to read my random rambling.

But most of all, writing is the form of communication that I feel most comfortable with.  I’m not worried about my face exposing random glimpses into my thoughts.  I’m not scared that my eyes will turn on me and tell secrets that aren’t meant to be told.  I can just put my fingers on the keyboard and tell the story that I want to tell.  It’s safer, more comfortable and has been a part of my life for a long time.

Soon after I posted my tweet I was asked about it by a friend.  The question revolved around feeling as an addiction.  I know that it doesn’t seem like a typical addiction, the kind that celebrities are blasted for in the media and go to sponsored rehab facilities to work through.  It’s still there though.

There’s not a particular feeling that I’m addicted to.  There are certainly feelings that are more enjoyable than others.  Joy, love and feeling appreciated are pretty fucking awesome.  Sometimes though it can be the feelings of loss or sadness or remorse that make me realize that this life is real.  That what I’m doing day to day isn’t just a story that someone is writing and I’m being directed through.

The need to feel something.  The desire to have my mind rattle through “what ifs” and “why nots” and “this is awesome” and “I want more” keeps me feeling alive.  It reminds me that I’m human.  That I’m vulnerable and strong in the same body.  That’s why feeling is an addiction.

Side note: Johnny Cash’s cover of Hurt is playing in my headphones as I write this paragraph.

The 2nd to last on the list that I tweeted is the “search for meaning” – I know that for me it’s an ongoing journey that will never end.  It can be tedious and ridiculous and breakdown inducing.  But what is my life supposed to be without it?  If I’m not looking for a reason to take the next step or to step back and evaluate what’s going on in my life and how it all fits and how it’s all going to come together and change the outcome what’s the point?

I want to know what my actions are going to cause.  I’ve done a lot of things in my life, we all have.  Some of them I’m very proud of.  Some of them I regret and am ashamed and sorry for.  But it’s the meaning in what I’ve done, how I’ve handled them and what I’ve learned from them that will lead me forward in my life.

That search will be my lifelong mission.  I have no doubt about that at all.

The other two on my list were sports and Twitter… if you follow me, read this blog or know me in real life you’re already aware of those ones.  I don’t need to explain them to you.

So, there you have it… some of the things that I consider to be my current addictions.  There have been and will be others.  And there are others now.  Ask me about them and I’ll be happy to tell you all about them.

And now that I’ve told you all about my vices – what are yours?  Lemme know – let’s make this bad boy interactive.

I’m excited for your answers.

Scroll to top